What Is Love?
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What Is Love?

Love has been defined by the dictionaries in many ways; it’s an intense feeling of deep affection, it’s a great interest and pleasure in something, to like or enjoy something so much, and the best definition being; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend, sexual passion or desire.

However, the love am talking about today is the romantic kind, one which you are attracted to someone, have a deep connection with, have sexual desire for, feel for each other deeply and decide to have a commitment to each other.  The one that dictionaries define it as a combination of attraction and idealization that can result in or from a bonded relationship and is composed of intimacy and passion.  But even this love is defined differently by everyone, or rather each person has the meaning they associate to being in love. For example, one is really attracted to the beauty or the handsomeness of the other and falls in love, or a woman loves how masculine a man is, other people really fall for someone’s intelligence or their dedication to their work and they say they have fallen in love. The question becomes, is it really love or its just a connection that will soon pass?

Connections are bound to happen as many times as they can, they can happen everywhere, anytime and with anyone. You meet someone and something pulls you to each other instantly, attraction happens. But then what, that connection, that attraction, that spark, is it love? No, it’s not! Yes, through a connection is how we find love, but what matters is whether it is a strong foundation to keep that spark going and make a relationship last. That’s why we are advised not to rush into a relationship following a spark, get to know if that connection is strong enough to be the foundation of your relationship together or its something that will soon pass. All those who understand love in a deeper level say that this is the cause of many heartbreaks, because people follow a spark, and once that which attracted people together fades away as it was not strong enough to hold them together, the relationship ends quicky and in a messy way. They are those who hold on to the relationship even though there is nothing connecting them anymore, maybe because they don’t want to start all over again with a new person, and so they stay together unhappily, wasting each other’s time, why?

How do we find love, love truly and stay in love? Isn’t it the one thing most of us would love to know? I for sure would love to find out. Philosophers, psychologists and experts have some insight on how to actually find love. I love listening to Jay Shetty podcast, not only has he really educated himself on understanding human behaviors, emotions, love and all things emotionally intelligent, he has made is his life purpose to help people find themselves, and also invites other experts to bring their ideas and opinions. He said in one of his podcasts, that he finds that people are attracted to five things in another person;

  • Physical- the beauty, handsomeness, seeing someone as super-hot, the sex appeal of that person
  • Financial- being attracted to someone’s wealth and the life of luxury they could provide
  • Mental- attraction to someone’s mind, how they think, how they articulate things, their intelligence
  • Emotional being pulled in by somebody’s emotional intelligence, how they are able to feel and control their emotions
  • Spiritual deep connection to someone’s values and good traits

He said that the first three are equated to chemistry, which people go to relationships based on, and the last two are equated to compatibility which should be the base of all the relationships. The relationships based only on chemistry never last as opposed to those that have the compatibility components. Chemistry should be the starting point of the relationships but if compatibility does not happen, then the relationship will not last.

There are few things that most of the experts talked about that totally made sense to me; ways in which you can find love and maintain it. First, I know we have a habit of meeting someone and getting obsessed with the question, do they love me? Over and over, we ask. However, the question that really matters is, do I love him/her? Ask yourself if you, love the person next to you instead of obsessing on whether they like you or not, what is the connection that you as a person have with the other, is it just physical or there is something deeper, do you feel that it is a moment that has passed and you trying to hold on, or is something worth fighting for? You are the determinant of your relationships, you are the one to decide whether to stay or leave, that’s why being honest to yourself and loving yourself is very important.

The past can really make the best of us to build walls so high that no one can climb them, and the only way a person can reach to you and connect with you is if you break down the walls. Being vulnerable is how we do it; open up to the person you are interested in, tell them everything you would want them to know to connect with you fully. This will create a field for the other person to match your energy and they will be vulnerable too, and both of you become compatible in a deeper level. If you open up and they don’t, then you will know for sure that he/she is not the person you belong with and you get a choice to leave if you are honest with yourself. Do not be afraid, the bible tells us, break down those walls, like those of Jericho. Be honest with each other and always try to be better, because everyone has issues that they need to work on.

In this world, you will never meet a perfect person, everyone has their baggage, there are those with anger issues, those with so much ego, and there are those who always result in violence be it physical or emotional. Please, avoid those who are genuinely bad people who could hurt without a thought, the moment they show that aggressive side of them, you should be at the door. Sadly, most people rush out not because they are bad people, but because they are hurting so much and their judgment is clouded by pain, the only way they can communicate is by negativity. You as the person who wants and is ready to build a relationship with this person what do you do? Combat all the negativity with love, kindness and compassion. It not only reduces for you the frustrations of arguing and screaming at each other, but also gives you the power to bring peace, harmony and happiness when you succeed at what you are trying to do. It’s called being the bigger person, choosing peace, I mean who doesn’t want that. It allows you to be the other persons comfort, the symbol of peace, kind of like home.

Another thing, you can’t be yes people, no! always look for a person who can give opinions, one who can tell you no and correct you when you are on the wrong, one who you can have discussions about situations in your life. Both of you should know that as long as you work towards what you want for each other, then you are going to be okay in the relationship.

I don’t know if you know this, but all of us have both masculine and feminine energy, each and every one of us, and balancing them is very important. There is always this saying that ‘good girls want bad boys’ and recently is when I came to fully understand what it means. Men who are labelled ‘bad boys’ are those who masculine side is really out there, they look good, they know how to dress good, they have deep voices, they are aggressive and really good at their jobs or whatever they do, their mind is confident, and what woman wouldn’t want that kind of man. The problems comes when this man does not have time to be emotional, you can never tell what they feeling, when they cannot talk or show their emotions, in short, they do not balance all that masculinity with their feminine side, that of emotional intelligence and that becomes a problem in the long run. The ‘good boys’ are those who will show you love, they will care your you, talk to you, listen to you, always give you what you want, they care deeply. It becomes an issue when they cannot control those emotions, the man is controlled by these deep feelings that they cannot say no, they become yes people, or they start suffocating their partner with so much neediness of love, they mostly become obsessive and that also becomes a problem. For women as well, there are times when we want to be miss independent, we don’t need no man, we can do it all, we know what we want and how to get it, and there are times where we need to be swept off our feet, to hear sweet nothings whispered to us, to be pampered with love and to love in return, to be kind and compassionate. So, you see everyone has both sides, and the crucial part is knowing when to follow either of the energies, and to know what energy a certain situation needs. If you are constantly on one side either being too masculine or too feminine, a disaster in that relationship is bound to happen, so learn to balance both.

I should have said this at the beginning, before you allow someone else in your life, you should ask yourself if you really know yourself, understand yourself, what triggers you, what prevent you from being a good partner, then learn everything there is to learn about your issues. Make a relationship with your problems rather than allowing them to control you. Any part of you that don’t work for you anymore, let go, do it with compassion for yourself because letting go as we all know is not an easy process. Practice everyday being a good person, learn that your world could be bigger and be ready to change. I believe if you already know yourself and working on you, choosing the right person for you, knowing when to stay, or when to leave will no longer be a hard decision.

Love fully, and be yourself,

Flo.

2 Comments
  • Klaus
    Posted at 07:45h, 09 May Reply

    This felt like a very well researched Thesis paper 😅😅, definitely gonna take notes on it… Great article Siz

    • florence
      Posted at 08:55h, 09 May Reply

      Thanks bro, yeah I researched and made notes, glad you learn from it

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