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Sometimes I hate the nights, deep in the night when the insomnia creeps in, when all the thoughts, ideas, fantasies and wishes that I couldn’t finish tackling during the day wants to be concluded. Am prompted to scream, or sit down, maybe look out the window, no maybe tear down the curtains, I should break the closet doors downs! However, I do not have the strength to actually do those things, I lie in bed in so much unrelieved rage. Whats even worse is I want to cry, my eyes are heavy but my tears won’t really fall down, it’s torture. 

I hate when I feel like this, its such a lonely feeling, I like my own company so it’s absurd that I should feel this way. Fuck these mosquitoes, I can’t even be depressed in peace, they suck my veins and their tiny stings so sharp and itchy I got to pause and scratch all over my body, honestly they should have been eradicated by now. Even the sound they produce is annoying.

Must be nice to fall asleep when you lie on your bed, for me it’s a luxury, I never look forward to bedtime. What I try mostly every timeĀ  I can’t sleep is to be positive, think and fantasize of just good things,or listen to those YouTube soothing videos, but some nights the plan doesn’t work. It becomes one of the horrible tortured nights, with rage which can fill a room, and bugging mosquitoes.

I just want the day to come am tired of the night.

When I finally cry as I pour out my heart to God, I confess and tell Him of what is keeping me up at night, ask for forgiveness, thank Him for how far He has brought me, I pray for better opportunities for my brothers, happiness for my mother and wisdom for my father then I do not have a care in the world if I sleep or not. My chest is lighter and my eyes free of all the tears.

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